Empathy vs. Sympathy in the 4th Trimester

"Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection." 

- Brene Brown

When a person is struggling, hurting, suffering, etc., it's natural for human beings to offer sympathy. Think about when people are experiencing a loss; we are accustomed to say things like, "I sympathize with you". And while that's not wrong, what is truly a remarkable emotion during those times of difficulties is empathy.

Empathy is when you really bring yourself down in the trenches with another person. Brene Brown, a research professor and author of best seller "Daring Greatly", talks about the difference between empathy and sympathy in this video.

So... what does this have to do with motherhood? Well, everything! The most important feeling I experienced during the first few months after S was born was empathy from so many mothers who had been where I was. Often I would make a post on social media asking for support with a certain issue or topic or product and the responses were so overwhelming and wonderful. I would ask about baby carriers, reflux, colic, sleep, mental health, fitness, skin and hair concerns, baby lead weaning, and so much more. I can't tell you how grateful I am for all the people who reached out to me (and still do!!!!) with suggestions and thoughts and promises to be there for me in the future ,because they, too, have been there in those crazy early days post pardum with absolutely no clue what to do. These ladies are the #MomTribe... the community of women, who, throughout the fourth trimester, are there with you, not for you, because they get it. The 'new mom' feeling stays with you forever (so I've heard 😉) and having people who get that makes the world of a difference.

But, not all of the responses and comments were empathetic, they were sympathetic! And while sympathy isn't terrible, it's so much better to be empathetic... if you can, of course. Empathy has truly allowed me to connect with moms in a way I never thought I would connect with anyone. Really understanding what someone is going through and being there for them in a non-judemental way has actually changed me as a person. I now can see life through a new lens because of how easy it was for me to connect with so many Moms who reached out to me. In fact, I received so much support, I kept asking questions! And while I kept asking questions and receiving support, other friends would ask me to share the responses with them. (*Side note: This is where the need to maneuver this blog from solely education based, to sharing parenting supports.)

To give you an idea, these are some of the responses and ways I've received empathy from Moms:

• 3:00 AM Facebook chat: "This is the hardest thing you will ever do and I am right here with you"
  
• dropping off fennel seeds with instructions on how to prepare for potential relief of colic/reflux symptoms and a crib wedge to raise S's mattress
• "I'm going to come over right now and give you a break"  
• Care packages left on my door step to make the lonely nights/days when my husband was working a little less difficult
  
• Meal services & prepared dinners given to our family by family and friends
  
• phone calls listening to tears and desperation 
• contacts for support (doctors, consultants, nutritionists, allergists, etc.)
• hand me down swaddles, books, clothes 
• overnight care of our baby so we could sleep
• doula service
• frequent check ins
• "You are not crazy. You are tired." 

Before having S, I researched so much about being a new Mom and what my life would look like. Nothing could have prepared me for the sleep deprivation I was about to endure. Had I not had the courage to have conversations about mental health and wellness, I'm certain today would look a lot different than it does right now. I am so grateful to those people who have and continue to show empathy toward myself and other new parents. This isn't just about being a new mom. My husband also has received a phenomenal amount of support and check ins on our family. We are truly so blessed to be in a place where people send messages that sound like,"This is extremely hard and I'm sorry. I'm going to come over and we can figure this out together", and less like, "It'll be okay!"

So please consider... when you're speaking with first time parents, (or second, third, etc. time parents), especially in those first few months, remember that empathy matters. Think about how you feel when someone says "You'll get through this" and try to find a way to shift your connection to go a little bit deeper. Put your judgement aside and have a real conversation.

From the bottom of my heart, thank-you to the people who have empathized with me back then, and still today. Every connection and gesture, small or large, will never be forgotten and I am forever grateful for our friendship.